TSA confiscates (i.e., steals) “F Bomb” Paperweight

As I say so often here at TSA News, you can’t make this stuff up. 

Our crusaders in blue have once again saved us from certain destruction. Ever vigilant, intellectually adept, and multi-talented (seeing as how they can spot stuff to steal even as they have their hands down your pants), they discovered the above pictured Big Scary Terroristy Thing at Mitchell Airport in Milwaukee.

It is an “F Bomb Paperweight,” a piece of art handmade by Fred Conlon and selling for $45. Quoting from the F Bomb’s blurb:

It’s never easy dropping truth bombs in the office. But “f” bombs? Always explosive fun! Fred Conlon’s recycled steel sculpture lightens up desk-side chats and tough conversations with a delightfully abstract expletive appropriate for any situation. Handmade in Utah.

Each is one-of-a-kind and will vary slightly.

And so you can see how nefarious this Fred Conlon character is, and, therefore, anybody who buys anything from him is:

Raised in Colorado, Fred Conlon lives now in Salt Lake City, Utah, where he makes garden sculptures out of recovered objects. For his helmet sculptures, he uses real recovered World War II helmets. “It is very satisfying to transform something once used in war into a peaceful garden decoration,” he says. His work has been featured in Niche Magazine, the Salt Lake Tribune and HGTV. What would he be if he weren’t an artist? “Happy…just kidding!” he answers. “I can’t imagine doing anything else.”

Click here to view a video of how Fred Conlon creates his art!

Ah, but Fred, Fred, Fred — you can’t be too careful these days. After all, The Terrorists Are Everywhere! How do I know this? Why, the TSA Blog tells me so. In its weekly Show and Tell, where TSA Bloggers brag about all the items they’ve confiscated from people, the F Bomb is on display. It is described as “a black novelty bomb.”

Not just a regular bomb, mind you, but a novelty bomb! Oh, the horror!

The TSA explains:

When these items are found at a checkpoint or in checked baggage, they can cause significant delays because the explosives detection professionals must resolve the alarm to determine the level of threat. Even if they are novelty items, you cannot bring them on a plane.

Yes, the “explosives detection professionals” must be called in to “determine the level of threat.” In this case, from a paperweight that’s 4 inches high and 2 inches in diameter and weighs 18 ounces.

But look — it has that special “f” attached — you know, the one that looks like a Facebook “f”. Why, what evil plot is on display here? Could this be some kind of secret signal? Is Facebook, with its global reach, in on some scheme to spread fear and Terror at airports everywhere? Is this a Trial Run? Why, if the TSA stops confiscating F Bomb Paperweights, thinking they’re benign, then someday somebody could come in with a real bomb (that looks like something out of a cartoon) and before you know it, boom!

I get chills just thinking about it. Thank god the TSA is here to save us all.

And just think — maybe whoever stole the F Bomb can trade it for the “grenade-shaped” perfume bottle, or maybe the “knuckle-clasp” purse, or perhaps just the embossed purse, or the toy lighter, or the shoes, or any number of other things.

All that terroristy stuff would make for quite a nice collection. TSA agents are nothing if not connoisseurs.

(Photo: uncommon goods)

Cross-posted at ABombazine

  • litbrit

    In response to my FB post linking to the above piece, a friend sent me this:

  • litbrit

    They’re gonna be busy, busy little blue-shirted bees:

    • RonBonner

      They’re gonna be busy, busy little blue-shirted bees thieves:
      Fixed it for you.

  • litbrit

    And don’t even THINK about trying to bring an anvil on board. Or anything–and I mean anything–bearing the Acme company name.

    • Daisiemae

      Thank you for making my day!

  • Chris Bray

    Jesus H, Lisa, you’ve buried the lede. I was scanning to see the source of this report, waiting for the link to the travel blog or local newspaper story, and then it turned out that the fucking TSA media office was BRAGGING ABOUT IT on their official fucking blog. Lord Jesus, Mother Mary, take me home now please. If they get any stupider they’ll actually start to photosynthesize. “Stick that TSA manager in the sunlight, it’s starting to wilt.”

    • Chris Bray

      I mean, one mall cop doing the breakfast shift at Dillweed Airport takes a novelty paperweight: That’s dumb.

      But then the fact that the report runs all the way up the national chain of command to TSA headquarters, and their response is that ZOMFG WE HAVE TO TELL THE WORLD WHAT WE HAVE ACCOMPLISHED?

      (Head explodes)

      Close the TSA News Blog. This story can’t be topped — it’s all downhill from here.

      • Oh, Chris, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet! The TSA Blog is full of stories like this. One after another after another. Every week, a laundry list of all the Big Scary Terroristy Things they’ve confiscated. I’ve been writing about it here at TSA News for years. We don’t want them to stop — they provide so much entertainment!

  • DaveG

    Any chance we could randomly select 535 of these clowns and install them in Congress, and vice versa? It could hardly be worse in either venue.

    • RonBonner

      Get clerks from Congress and you can be sure they will have their hands in your pockets and anywhere else they can get them.

      You really want people like Larry “Wide Stance” Craig to replace the poorly educated, mentally challenged, low achieving clerks we have now?

  • Deb

    I am embarrassed for our country.
    On another note – I am shocked they allow us to fly with out hands still attached to our arms.

  • Robert Hollis Weber

    Apparently only the TSA and Wile E Coyote actually believe that bombs look like a bowling ball with a wick.

  • Daisiemae

    But how do you know it’s not a bomb? Out of an abundance of caution, even paperweights must receive the full monty from the crack team of professionals known as TSA.

    I mean, it could be a cupcake in disguise, for God’s sake!

  • Susan Richart

    Dollars to donuts that no “explosives detection professionals” were called to “investigate” this item. Even more dollars to even more donuts that no “professionals” are called to investigate 99.9% of the other items that the TSA touts on its weekly blog.

    • Exactly. TSA clerks want to steal these things. So they do.

    • RonBonner

      What makes you believe that TSA has any professionals to call upon?

      I would suggest TSA’s track record is solid proof that there are no professionals associated with TSA.

      • Susan Richart

        Ron! Didn’t you see that video on the blog wherein the TSA said 10,000 smurfs have been trained to identify explosives?

        ‘This “hands-on” training is a combination of classroom exercises and fieldwork which includes explosives identification and detonations of various types of explosives.

        Since 2005, nearly 10,000 students have taken the course showing the importance of this program and how it enhances the capabilities of our security officers on duty.”

        • RonBonner

          Yet they still confiscated the “F” bomb after all of that training.

          • Susan Richart

            Neither I nor the TSA ever claimed that they LEARNED anything from the experience.

          • RonBonner

            Fair point!